Sometimes when I'm talking, my words can't keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak. Probably so we can think twice. Bill Watterson Humor #Calvin And Hobbes #Humor
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? George Carlin Humor #Humor
You possess other people's...bodies."He accepted that statement with a nod."Do you want to possess my body?""I want to do a lot of things to your body, but that's not one of them. Becca Fitzpatrick, Hush, Hush Humor #Humor #Nora #Patch
I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises, but I don't want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That's why I'm constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning. Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me Humor #Absurd #Communication #Conversations
I'm not going to wear a red dress,"she said."It would look stunning, My Lady,"she called.She spoke to the bubbles gathered on the surface of the water. "If there's anyone I wish to stun at dinner, I'll hit him in the face. Kristin Cashore, Graceling Humor #Humor
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. George Carlin Humor #Fighting #George Carlin #Humor
Some people say, “Never let them see you cry.” I say, if you’re so mad you could just cry, then cry. It terrifies everyone. Tina Fey, Bossypants Humor #Humor
The meek may inherit the earth, but at the moment it belongs to the conceited. Like me. Cassandra Clare, City of Bones Humor #City Of Bones #Humor #Jace Wayland
Finally, from so little sleeping and so much reading, his brain dried up and he went completely out of his mind. Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra, Don Quixote Humor #Books #Humor #Reading
History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. Winston S. Churchill Humor #History #Humor #Writing
Welcome to the wonderful world of jealousy, he thought. For the price of admission, you get a splitting headache, a nearly irresistable urge to commit murder, and an inferiority complex. Yippee. J.R. Ward, Dark Lover Love #Humor #Jealousy #Love
You here to finish me off, Sweetheart? Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games Humor #Humor #Hunger Games #Katniss
If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people. Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me Love #Absurd #Crazy #Funny
Don't Panic. Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Humor #H2g2 #Hitchhiker S Guide #Humor
Yeah, Quirrell was a great teacher. There was just that minor drawback of him having Lord Voldemort sticking out of the back of his head! J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Humor #Humor
So be sure when you step, Step with care and great tact. And remember that life's A Great Balancing Act. And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and ¾ percent guaranteed) Kid, you'll move mountains. Dr. Seuss, Oh, The Places You'll Go! Humor #Humor #Inspirational #Success
Say 'provoking' again. Your mouth looks provocative when you do. Becca Fitzpatrick, Hush, Hush Humor #Fallen Anger #Humor #Nephlim
Do your thing and don't care if they like it. Tina Fey, Bossypants Humor #Bossypants #Humor #Self Love